she never mentions the word addiction~~~~~~
and so i told him


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04/16/06*04/16/06b*04/16/06c*8/13/02*08/03/02 3:02 p.m.
just because i am nobody's version of an anorexic teen pop queen, doesn't mean i should aspire to be.

series of bad decisions, stupidity, and various and sundry other things for which i should be flogged...if i ever just get it through my head that not everyone is worthy of trying to get to know, i might not have such trouble out of life. if i learn to unequivicably trust that very first gut reaction. i dont know what will happen, but perhaps it will keep me in the land of the sane and out of the very murky waters of drama.

i am trying to type this while downloading a bunch of pics and its very annoying because i keep stopping dowloads because the little box pops up right when i hit the spacebar. argh.

i walk around all day composing diary entries in my head and yet, when i sit down to write, nothing seems to want to show up on the screen. there are so many things that look way scarier once you put them down in black and white (or blue in white as the case may be.) check out we may actually be finished with it. the pics turned out great and i was very happy about that. now, as long as she doesnt find something to bitch about, that may be out of my hair.

i can feel it. im trying very hard to head into a manic state. i dont want to go there. ive been fighting and fighting and i just dont know if its going to be enough. this one is going to be bad if i cant stop it from going full blown. so many things i am trying to resolve and so many things i just dont know how to deal with.

i did it. i didnt know if i was going to be able to, but i walked in and out and didnt really look back and i thought i was just being better about it than i thought, but now i wonder. i wasnt prepared for there to be so many people there. there mustve been at least 30 people in the waiting room. most of them men, which was another surprise. the whole thing was surreal. most of the time was spent waiting. i found out i have rh neg blood. interesting. i was fine until i had to sit there by myself and wait on the nurse. and i cried...thinking about what she mightve looked like, how my family mightve reacted, knowing that i would never for one second, no matter how hard it got or how much i had to sacrifice, regret having her or her being there with me, knowing i wasnt going to be strong enough to let her be there, to face my family and my friends and myself, imagining the look of disappointment on my moms, my uncles, my grandfathers faces if i had had to tell them, but knowing i wanted to keep her. and i still hadnt told him that he was going to be a father, if only for a few days. i tried. that looks so pathetic. 7 letters. i tried. but i did. and i just couldnt tell him. i was so scared. so very scared and then that week after it was over and i was feeling so much better, physically, minus the nauseau and exhaustion and like a normal human being, and i was so very angry with him and he started with me and i warned him not to start this conversation at 2:30 in the morning when he was drunk off his ass with matt and angie hanging in the background, but he did. and i told him.

i was pregnant. what do you mean was? and he made me say it. use the word. abortion. and he just kinda stared at me. and i was so afraid. and he asked if i was sure it was his. and i said yes. and resisted the urge to hit him. because, truth be told, we don't know each other all that well. and i said the last person was in march and i was only 8 weeks. and he said i shouldve told him. that i had to know that he wouldve helped me. bought things for her and been there to help raise her. and i asked how was i supposed to know that. that i didnt feel that it was going to be his decision because we werent in a relationship. that it wouldve been different if we had been. but we had made no promises to each other. he said he wouldve gone with me. and i told him i didnt want him there. that angie took me. that she and matt are the only two people who know. and we talked some more and i cracked a couple of jokes as i am prone to do in tense situations. and he put his arms around me and i leaned into his chest and i wanted nothing more than to just sob into his chest in so much lifetime tv movie style, but i just couldnt let go. and he took it very much better than i expected him to. and he explained about trish. that she was not his girlfriend. that he felt bad that i had to see him with her. and i feel much better now. it's not hostile between us. and nobody else knows. except ali. and all i want it to not regret doing it. but i know i will.

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