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older!rings!cast!join!sign!contact!rank!bmd, inc! redniko*cubicle girl*kuinileti*boy-ashamed*beautifulson*torrez*the fool*the silence*blue kitten*ewige*reality is shy*spanklin*penguin queen*the darkness < -- > |
| 04/16/06*04/16/06b*04/16/06c*8/13/02*08/03/02 | 6:20 p.m. It was not a good weekend. And I don�t think the next 3 weeks are going to be very good either. Started feeling a bit nauseous after city cup was over last Sunday. Thought it was the stress. Kept feeling that way all week, never did get my period even though I�d had cramps and all since the Monday before that. Took Friday as a sick day. Im pregnant. Welcome to my hell. Considered not telling tommy until I found out how much it is going to cost to have the abortion. $500 I don�t have $500. Have to wait 3 weeks to have it done. Im not far enough along yet and if you do it too early, there�s a chance it will fail. 3 weeks to contemplate and think and be scared and not happy and wonder if I can go through with it and think of what my mom, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, coworkers will say if I cant do it and have to tell them. And I have to do it. We only have 1 person in our family who�s been divorced. ONE. We do have a reformed alcoholic. And one who�s been to drug rehab. And im numb. When the lady at the clinic told me, I figured I would burst into tears. But I didn�t. I asked questions. Can you recommend a clinic. I probably wont tell him, hes not really my boyfriend. How much. How long. Recovery. Appointments. And I spent all weekend nauseous and scared and nervous about having to tell him. And I was going to tell him yesterday. But he hooked up with this chick sat night and she was there when I finally got up the nerve. And how do you start? Tommy, come here, I need to tell you something. Im pregnant and youre the only possible father. Rewind, reverse, give me that night back. I cried in the car on the way to walmart to get detergent and eyeliner. I work 3 jobs to support myself. Theres no way I can support a baby. I don�t want him around�I don�t even like him. And my mother told me a long time ago when I first started dating that if I was going to play grown up games, I was going to live like a grown up and she would not be supporting me. And I couldn�t bear the shame. And all I want to do is tell everyone and ask what the hell should I do, but I don�t want to tell anyone so that no one knows and I don�t get those pitying stares. And it occurs to me this is nothing but selfishness. And it is to a degree. But seriously, how can I support a child when I can barely support myself? And there would be no finishing school. No chance to make it better for him or her. Help. < -- > |
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